I am my own person.
I never truly understood what does this sentence really means.
I didn't know how much weight I carried from my past for so long.
Until my Dear Saturn Return thought me this lesson. ~
I am in a process of my Saturn Return and I can say that this is the first time when I feel no resistance to him. Since I was a teenager I refused to identify with Capricorn's definition in articles.
Every time it was the same story. All about responsibility, a cold, stiff ironic person who loves structure and organizing. Nothing is ever good enough and dislikes changes.
I thought fuck with this shit. I am not like that at all.
Responsibility was my enemy all I saw in my head was dishes, bills and tiring day full of stuff what
I don't wanna do but I have to.
I wanted to stay childlike - careless, free and dutiless. I didn't like the word mature or grown up.
I feared that all it meant was just dull frustrating adult life with no joy, no imagination and magic in it. That's just sounded like everything that I would hate. So, I rebelled against it.
Against everything that represented limitations, stagnation and routine. To work as the employee was the worst experience in my entire life and I couldn't even believe that this is life?
I never wanted to waste time and I liked to rush into things and also out of them.
' I don't have a time ' was my favourite sentence for everything, everyone and definitely for myself.
~
When Saturn went to Sagittarius it was like an inner wake up call - I started to feel that my life is a routine what doesn't benefit me. The fire in my Saturn needs me to wake up every morning and feel that the progress I am making, an effort I am doing and time what I am spending is meaningful for me and the larger collective. For my inner world where I see the sunshine at the end of the road because if don't, the fire will burn me down and someone will need to call Pluto to resurrect me :D
That time I had a good job by outside perspective - paid just fine with very good colleagues ( mostly air signs ) so we always had a lot of fun! I was doing a thing what used to be my passion.
[ Photography and film development ] I was happy, but after two years it started to lack the meaning - the meaning of going deeper, higher and wider. It was all sitting in the same vibe all the time.
I felt that I am ready for a new challenge.
As Saturn went to Capricorn [ My Sign ] I felt like I was shaken up and questioned by him.
He was like the long-feared King who came back to his throne, but I am his child and I am in his favour. I was born from his energy when snow was falling down on the Earth and I thrive on this energy today. He isn't my king he is my Father.
It was December last year [ Sagittarius Season ] when this combo made me think what I really love and I always wanted to do in my heart. I was reading through the internet one evening and I found Astrologer Lada Duncheva who I really loved listening to. In her bio, she mentioned that she studied at the London School of Astrology - At that moment I felt like something fell into the right place at the right time. Like the sound of a large puzzle.
I immediately googled them and I decided that I'll do anything to get into this Astrology School as well. I got an answer from the Original School
London Faculty of Astrological Studies
[Saturn - Origin and Oldest] with no further delays I was magically starting.
So and there I was on January 13th! A student again who hated school since I was 6. This was a pretty big breakthrough. But didn't take long I fell in Love with Astrology full on!
I felt I belong here and I can freely speak about the truths of life and its hidden meanings.
Saturn Returns always returns us where we need to be.
Correct path if you split away from the original plan. The path what resonates with the most authentic physical manifestation and expression of our soul. Some call it Destiny ;)
So when my Path was set to the right course Saturn has another lesson for me - my 6th House :D
My WORK - Here my Natal Saturn sits in Sagittarius - I left my job and I am currently in a process of standing on my own. Like a little baby horse who is all shaky and dirty, but the green grass calls for a run! Saturn stays in one sign for 2.5 years and as Lada said which I now see in the process is - 'We will wake up in 2020 and realise that NOTHING is the same!' Hell, yes .... yes :)
~
When it comes to my inner life - I reached my 30 in January and this year was very special for me.
I grew so much in my mind and I faced so many ups and down and shocking turns around that I feel that I might be actually ready for my Spiritual Year of Maturity [31 in my case] The person, and a girl I was until today tells me from inside that it is time to be my own person.
I feel this to be a bittersweet melody but absolute necessity.
It is call from my Saturn, who is showing me that this is a time when I can transform from a careless rebellious girl into a woman and own who I am and who I will become after this moment.
My time to love myself and take care of my self in ways I was not doing before.
No more of carrying traumas from childhood which I already processed and are invalid, no more patterns of behaviour and thinking from outgrown but familiar habits. No more judgement of what happened to me is ultimate and will mark me for life, no more excuses why I am not living my full potential. No more cutting people off without expressing why or just complete abandonment because that's all I know to do. -
Wounds heal guys, nothing is forever...
~
The responsibility which Saturn brings isn't the outside world necessity- it is an inner responsibility.
So I am recommitting to my own decision to be alive.
To understand who I came to be and what my life holds in his unlimited form.
It isn't a feeling of forcing or rush. I couldn't do this just by wanting, it had to come from within.
I had to decide that I want myself, for a first time with all my faults and my imperfections and also with the greatness I carry in me.
To have a responsibility means to be aware of the choice I have and that I chose everything in my life once before and I can do it again. With all that happened before in my past till this point made me ME who can say - ' Yes we did this and now we do this consciously and we do it in the beat of our own drum. '
And I will cause Saturn in Sagittarius hand in hand with Uranus in my chart will never let me
lose my inner child. I always will be the girl who believes in magic ~ And Saturn will just help me to manifest it ;)
Life is Mine
I am Mine
And my Time is Now ~
And everyone who just read this lines, Thank You for your time and I wish you all the greatest personal Saturn Return.
Yours
Altair ~
